Entry #45

 My mind is full of thoughts, unsaid words and unexpressed feelings. I hope i will not get used to being like this, being quiet and alone. An artist once said, don't get used to the space. Kasi pag nasanay ka, it will be just a normal thing. 

Entry #44

Grabe naman Lord, ilang araw palang pero umiiyak nanaman ako. Ilang beses ko ulit sinabihan yung sarili ko na okay lang, pero di effective, kasi di pala talaga okay. Sana maging masaya naman ako sa susunod, yung di kayang kunin ng iba. 

Entry #43

 Being an Independent Woman has its pros and cons. Pag independent ka, you can do things even if di ka tulungan ng iba, you find ways to solve your own problems, you tend to offer help, instead of asking for help. Being a capable woman, makes you reluctant of any help offered to you, you try to do it on your own, and often rejects help. 

Masarap naman maging independent, because you don't need anyone to do things, you can do it on your own, and you can decide on your own without waiting for someone. Pero nakakalungkot din pala, kasi dahil alam ng iba na kaya mo naman, they don't check on you, people worry less about you, kasi alam naman nila na kaya mo. 

Based on my experience, nakakalungkot din pala na walang nagaalala if nakauwi ka na ba, or if kaya mo bang umuwi, kasi alam naman nila na kaya mo. Minsan ang sarap din sa feeling na magpanggap na di mo kaya just to feel the concern from others. Nakakalungkot na no one checks if kaya mo bang gawin ang isang bagay, because they always assume na kaya mo naman. Ang sarap din siguro sa pakiramdam ng may nagaalala, na someone checks on you too. Someone is worried about you. Ang sarap din siguro sa pakiramdam ang maalagaan. Nakakapagod din naman alagaan yung sarili, its tiring to fight your own battles. I hope someday, someone will come and fights with me and for me, yung pwede ako maging mahina because someone will be there. 

Simple things, but triggers my anxiety. It reminds me na at the end of the day, i still have to care for myself, because no one will. 

Entry #42

 Be kind sa sarili mo because at the end of the day all you have is yourself.  No matter how many people you have in your life, when you're in chaos, people will not really be there to accept that side of you. You still have to rely on you and that's okay. 

Entry#35

 Today, i feel like i am breaking down. I can pretend na masaya, for a short while so i don't need to explain to anyone. As i take my rest now, i feel like crying, gusto ko lang umiyak, it feels like my heart is so heavy. My mind is full and I am just so tired of everything. Pagod nako magtrabaho, I am tired waking up for other peoples need. I just want yo rest. 

I was watching tv to atleast keep myself busy, pero after watching, my happiness is just short lived. Ganun pa din. 

I can't even understand myself. And i can't explain as well. 

Just tired and unmotivated. Feeling ko di ako umuusad, walang nangyayari. Hanggang saan ko kaya kakayanin? 

Entry#34

 Physical pain is not enough to mask the emotional pain i am feeling. Minsan masarap din sa pakiramdam, may nagaalala, may nagungumusta. Maybe I am a little bit sensitive, because I am sick today. I just hope someone can also check on me, put efforts to ask if kumusta na ba ako, buhay pa ba ako. Maybe they know kaya ko naman, di naman ako mamatay, i am very independent, pero sana out of pagmamahal at care, maalala man lang sana nila akong tanungin, kumustahin kasi baka bukas hindi na pala ako gumising and they will never have the chance to ask me. 

Entry#33

 Lord, nahihirapan po ako. Pero Lord, isa lang po dasal ko, mahal ko po ang taong ito at turuan mo po akong mahalin siya ng tama. Fill me up Lord, so i can give more. And Lord, wag mo po hayaang mapagod at sumuko ang taong ito🙏🙏

Entry#32

 Mark this day, My heart is breaking💔

Entry #31 (2021)

 Hi blog, it's been a while. 

It's 2021 already. Ang daming ganap. Never thought na susulat pa nga ako dito, pero siguro nga old habits die hard. Sometimes, when it's hard to explain yourself to people, you just find a platform where you can freely express what you wanted to say. 

I realized na, minsan gusto mo naman ishare yung nararamdaman mo sa ibang tao, kung gaano ka na napapagod, gaano ka nahihirapan, pero not everyone will understand your situation. Not everyone will understand you. Hindi lahat maiintindihan kung bakit ganun ang nararamdaman mo, na kahit anong paliwanag mo, minsan mapapagod ka nalang kakaexplain pero akala lang nila maarte ka lang. 

Minsan i want to remove myself from the lives of the people around me. Siguro mas madali ang life nila if i don't exist. How toxic it is for them to deal with my kadramahan, nawawala sa mood, too much madamdamin, overthinker, too good to people. Minsan gusto mo nalang itanong, if it will be more convenient for them if they don't have to deal with you and your problems. 

I get it, a lot of people would want to help you, but not all of them will understand you and can help you.

 It's a struggle to be a soft-hearted person, which a lot of people don't understand. Yung tipong apekatado ka sa simple things na nangyayari sa paligid mo. How simple situations can turn your emotions upside down. Sino ba may gusto ng ganun di ba? I don't. But I can't help feeling that way. Nakakapagod. How I always think of other people first, how i think of their welfare in expense of mine. How you always try not to be a burden sa ibang tao, so lahat sinasarili mo, you will always say na okay ka lang, na kaya mo. 

 People keep asking me kung kumusta ako, ano ba problema ko, I wanted to tell them. I wanted to tell them na sobrang nakakaoverwhelm yung mga responsibilities, it's true, getting what you prayed for is not the end of it, it's just the start. It will be the start of another level of responsibility, Yes, sobrang thankful ko, but adjusting from just thinking of how to sustain myself to thinking of sustaining something and other people is a lot harder than I've thought. Minsan gusto ko nalang tumigil, nakakafrustrate na ang dami kong gustong maabot pero still small steps. Nakakafrustrate na ang dami kong gustong tulungan pero I still need to build myself up. Minsan gusto ko nalang umiyak, tapos tanungin si Lord if kakayanin ko pa ba? 

 How insecurities cloud my mind. How I see other people being better than me, kung paano nakikita ko yung ibang tao na siguro they can play my role better than I do, siguro pag ang taong to ang sa position ko  mas kaya niya. How I see them growing, while I still feel stuck. How weak I see myself than others.

Overthinking, overthinking about things and problems that don't even exist in the first place. My mind keep giving me negative situations that I can't help but worry about. Na kahit anong pilit kong kumbinsihin ang sarili ko na siguro di naman mangyayari yung mga iniisip ko, it still affects my mood. Nandun pa rin yung takot that people will leave me, na magsasawa yung mga tao sa ugali ko, na baka di ako makapag give back sa magulang ko, di ko matulungan yung iba, di ko matupad yung deal ko with God. How afraid I am to be myself, kasi baka iwanan ako ng mga tao sa paligid ko. Yes, they don't exist. But sometimes you really can't assure yourself. Kaya even if gaano ko ijustify sa isip ko, it will just be there. 

I really got a lot of things right now in my mind. And i can't even say them all out loud. Kulang pa yung mga salita to express how I feel. Pero yes, ngiti lang. Magiging okay din ang lahat. 

All is well. 

Entry# 30 Hey 2020, Adios!

It's been 7 years with this blog. And my 30th entry is a farewell to this year, 2020. 

I can summarize my 2020 in one word, 

Life-Changing. 

This year, I've experienced love, setback after another setback, genuine happiness, contentment and more.  

This year, was a memorable year for me, I get to experience how it is to be in a relationship, how to live relying solely on God, no work for 10 months, being inside our home with my family, 24/7 for 3 months. 

 Year 2020, has been a tough year. It was like I was just starting to get the hang of the "adult life" that they were talking about and then suddenly, it was put to a pause. A long pause. This has been the longest year for me. I felt so low, depressed, i felt anxious. I felt like life was trying to pull me backwards. I can't understand the reason why everything has to happen, but what I am sure of is that, I should always trust the One who holds my life together, that even for me it felt like my life was falling apart, the truth is He is re-arranging it. 

I want to thank this year 2020, because of the pandemic, quarantine, and lockdowns I've learn to value even the smallest things around me. I get to enjoy even the shortest joyrides with my love ones. I get to be content with eating inside cars, with drive thru food or house cooked foods. I get to laugh over simple jokes. I realized that malls, amusement parks, leisure activities are not an essential to enjoy our daily lives, additional maybe, but not a must. 

Above all, I want to thank God. Thank You Lord, I may not understand why we are experiencing this, what's your plan, but I trust in You Lord. I know that you hold my life together. You know what's best for me, and I have faith that whatever may come my way, You got me, always, In all ways. Thank You Lord, I am forever blessed indeed. 🙏🙏

This year has been tough, but it made me strong, it made me appreciate all my love ones, friends and all the people who were there to support me for the past months. I may not be financially overwhelmed, but I am filled with love and  blessings and that's more than enough.😇💯 

I believe and I have faith that this coming 2021, the Lord will launch us into another level. The Lord will restore everything that was lost, He will bless us in all areas of our lives more than we could ever imagine. 💯🙏 

Finish this year strong! And Bravely face the coming year, 2021 😇🙏❤

Keep Going, Keep Believing, You'll make it!!💯😇

Entry #29

 Sometimes, I can't help but wonder if the people around me will have an easier life if I don't exist. 

Entry#27

 Today could have been a great day,

But i guess life will not give you good days always.

Sometimes life will really push you to your limits, you will be at your breaking points. 

Situations will make you feel alone for you to know that there's just you and God. That in whatever season you are in, iwan ka man ng lahat si God di ka niya iiwan, sasamahan ka niya. 

Kaya laban lang, you got this right? 

Keep going👊 

Smile those tears away 😊

Entry#26 (PublishedLate)

I'm tired, but my thoughts won't let me sleep. 

Today has been a long day, 

But i still want to share my thoughts. 😇😇

Ang pagmamahal, di laging masaya, kadalasan umiintindi ka. Di parating ok, minsan may di mapagkakasunduan. What i realized is, darating yung time na di lang ikaw muna yung priority, and that is ok. You should understand na life doesn't revolve with just the two of you. May mga ibang responsibilities kayo na kailangan gawin. Not all the time, the attention you're looking for is there. Not all the time, sweetness will be there. Because a lot of times, mapapagod kayo, sa buhay, sa isa't isa.  Maraming pagkakataon na gugustuhin niyo sumuko, kasi sa pagod. Sa responsibilities na hinhingi ng commitment na minsan mahirap imeet, pero ang pagsuko ay decision. Decision mo kung isusuko mo ba yung tao ng dahil lang sa napagod ka na. Hanggang saan mo ba kakayaning magtiis? Kapag wala na ba yung saya aalis ka na? Kapag wala na ba yung spark, aayaw ka na? 

Your reaction to the situation is solely dependent on you. You should always remember na kung dahilan mo lang kasi hindi ka masaya, sayo lang yun. Kasi ang happiness mo magdedepende lang sayo. That is why sobrang importante na before entering a relationship you are molded by God, punong puno ka ng pagmamahal galing sa Diyos, you know how to love unconditionally. How to love when the tides get rough, how to love without asking for anything in return. Ang pagmamahal mo sa isang tao hindi nababase sa kung ano ang naibibigay niya sayo, sa attention, sa sweetness, sa love. You love a person, dahil mahal mo siya at bunga siya ng panalangin mo. You love the person regardless of the situation. 

So when you are faced in situations in your relationship that it feels like you're about to give up, always remember why you prayed to God for that person. Remember, that person is the answer to your crying prayers to God. 😇😇

Entry #25 175Days 🌻

We've been together for, 

15,181,200 seconds

253,020 minutes 

4217 hours

175 days 

25 weeks 

now, 

How time flies so fast indeed. A lot of things happened. The journey was really a roller coaster ride, sometimes we're up and sometimes we're down. 

For the past months, I realized that there are a lot of things that I don't know about him, it's true that it takes a lifetime to get to know someone, but one thing's for sure inspite and despite of the circumstances I will still love that person the same. 

Let me share a sneak peak of my roller coaster ride, 

Tagalugin natin para mas ramdam mo, 

May mga araw na sobrang saya ko, yung kasama mo lang yung tao, walang ginagwa just watching movies together masasabi kong it's really one of the best moments. 

May mga araw na sobrang sweet namin sa isa't isa, naku mahihiya yung mga langgam. Just saying sweet words sa isa't isa showing sweet gestures, expressing love through our actions. 

Pero narealize ko na hindi laging masaya, sweet, ang pagmamahal di lang puro mahal mo lang, masaya lang, ang pagmamahal dapat maraming pag-iintindi, pang unawa. 

May mga araw pala na kailangan niyo ng personal space. Di sa lahat ng oras at araw ay kailangan magkausap kayo, magkasama kayo. 

May mga araw na kailangan mong umintindi, kasi lahat tayo may pinagdadaanan, kailangan alam mo kung kailan ka niya kailangan, at kung kailan niya kailangan na magisa. Di mo naman siya iiwan e, nandiyan ka pa rin naman. 

May mga araw na meron kayong di pagkakaintindihan, tampuhan, mga away, mga sitwasyon na maaaring sumira o mas magpatagtag sa pagsasama niyo, kung alin nga ba sa dalawa ang mangyayari ay nakadepende sa inyong dalawa. 

For the past 5 months, 

 Nakilala ko rin yung sarili ko, nalaman ko na i can be immature, irrational at times, I can say what I feel when I can't contain it. I can also keep everything to myself when I don't want to burden him. I realized iyakin pala talaga ko, especially when my emotions get's over my head. I also realize na I can feel insecurities from time to time, like being  undeserving of that person, or I can care less. There will always be two sides of me, and I guess that's just really a part of who I am. 

A vlogger said that we are just committed to the person we love, but we don't own them, and that hit me hard. It made me realize that it's true, the person you're with has goals, responsibilities and priorities of his own. You should still have your personal space, because you need to grow individually as well, and as you grow individually you both mature and that helps in the relationship.  Sabi nga nung vlogger, in the end, maghihintayan naman kayo sa finish line, di mo naman iiwanan ee, minsan may mauuna, may mahuhuli sa inyo, you should support each other. 

Communication is important. Not that hourly messages, but we should communicate regarding our problems, solutions, what needs to be improve in the relationship, where you're coming from, the differences and all essential talks. 

Another thing, it's true that when God brings you sa situation, He will be with you. Kapag pinagpray mo, it does not mean naman na walang struggles but rest assured you'll overcome them together. And when that person loves God more, and pinagpray ka niya, simple problems will not break you, they will make your relationship stronger. ❤

Entry#24 140 DAYS 💛

What I learned for the past 140 days..

I learned that when you are with someone you love, a day is not enough. Doing nothing while you're with that person is better than going somewhere with the others. And I learned that, it is really possible to miss someone even if you just met him/her awhile ago. I also learned that you can't really expressed in words how much you really love a person.  

The most important lesson that I've learned is that..

Love is not always rainbows and sunshine, I learned that love is not just about the kiligs, sweet talks, surprises and all the sugary and sweet things you get to see in movies. Those things are just a part of it. Love is also about the storms, the rough roads, and accepting differences. There are times that you don't understand each other, you get annoyed, frustrated and you start having second thoughts, but that is where love should be. Love is not a feeling, it is really a decision. It is a decision of loving a person despite the differences, it is loving the person even if you're annoyed and frustrated. It is learning to forgive, learning to adjust, accepting faults and choosing the person despite the difficulties. 

Love is not just smiles, but it is with tears. It is with pain. Love is full of uncertainties. You can never predict if a person will stay or  leave, you just need trust God and that person.😇

Entry#23 Hi Blog 😉

It's been a while.

This blog, served as my diary. It became a platform for my inner self, for all the things that I could not voice out. This blog is a witness for all the dramas in my life. 

So bakit nga ba ako sumulat? 

Matagal ko ng gustong sumulat dito, but since I don't have the time before and I really don't know where to start di ako nakakasulat. Since today we have this ECQ because of the virus, I have the time now, but it's still hard to start writing. I have a lot of thoughts but I can't organize them.


I remember 3 years ago I've read a story in wattpad about a girl writing a blog, she would write her everyday life and her feelings for her bestfriend na hindi niya masabi. Plot twist, nababasa pala nung bestfriend niya yung blog. I've written about that blog here and I remember I said that I also want to share mine in my blog. I actually wrote a few blogs about "My Bestfriend".

So here's a story.

I have this bestfriend, we were bestfriends since 2005, so yeah it's been 15 years. I've met him in church, Sunday school. We were clasmmates, naaalala ko jinojoke niya ngayon na matanda na kami na kinausap niya lang ako noon kasi daw kawawa ako wala akong kausap, kasi magkakaibigan na sila at magkakakilala when I started attending in their church. So salamat naman sa kanya at kinausap niya ako, buti nalang friendly siya, kidding aside,since then we were inseparable. We would always sit with each other, go to band practices together, play together, ride bikes together, we would always be with each other. We were that close until highschool, we were really just friends, no whatever. I remember our churchmates would always tease us with each other, pero magkaibigan lang talaga kami that time. My bestfriend would always give me gifts, regalo na pinaghirapan talaga, with efforts, I feel so special everytime i received those gifts and handwritten letters. 

Then came our college days, nagsimula na kaming di magpansinan minsan, magiwasan, pero we're still friends, it's just that minsan may something na napapansin na kaming nagiiba, so we tend to not talk with each other for a while, then hahayaan lang and then we'll be ok na. Then nung malapit yung 18th birthday ko, we stop talking. Ito yung pinakamatagal kaming hindi nag-usap. I remember crying and I even thought na di na kami magiging ok, siguro dito ko napansin na "ay may iba na". We were not just bestfriends, for me that time alam ko na i feel something a lot more. Then on my 18th birthday, we talked. If there's one thing na I would always be thankful about our friendship, it is that we always talked things, not necessarily on the time na may something na mali, but after na makapagisip na kami we will surely talk. So on the night of my 18th birthday, they slept over, and we had those late night conversations, the most awkward conversation but thankful na we had it. I will never forget that night, because we talked about what we feel for each other that time, but we know na hindi pa time, we just said what we feel then let it go. We stick to being just the best of friends. When we were both in college, we never lost connection even though we were literally miles apart, we were still best friends. We would talk via texts, phone calls, chats, but not everyday. We can usually go weeks without talking and still we're ok. There were times na months bago kami magkita because of school, pero it was ok. There were times na naffrustrate ako, because of what I feel about him, I will just keep it to myself. My friends know him by name. They know that he is my bestfriend, I usually don't tell stories about him to other people, kay ela lang (My bestfriend) and ela will usually tease me to him and spill stories about him sa mga kaibigan namin, so dun nila siya nakikilala. College days, yes peer pressure is everywhere, lahat may boyfriend and all, then tatanungin ka pa lagi kung bakit ikaw wala pa, I will always say na "Baka po mabaliw nako pag nagboyfriend pa ako" because of how hard my course was. Yes, minsan naiisip ko noon na masaya magkaboyfriend, but I know as well na hindi pa time, and I thank my bestfriend kasi sa sobrang pag papafeel niya na special ako, mas lalo ko di naisip na magboyfriend. He would give me gifts kahit walang occasions, hand written letters, surprises and others, so yeah thank you kasi may bestfriend ako kahit wala akong boyfriend. Everytime I would feel frustrations back then about our friendship, I would usually rant and write them here in my blog. Plot twist: kagaya nung nabasa ko na story, e nababasa niya rin pala tong blog na to. sobrang drama ko pa man din noon sa blog na to. Kaya pala, kaya pala sa tuwing nagddrama ako, pag hindi kami ok bigla he will give answers, he will try to make me ok. Kasi pala nalalaman niya (Disclaimer: recently ko nalang to nalaman). There were a lot of times na I thought of giving up, gusto ko nalang kalimutran yung feelings ko, I remember nagdadasal pa ako kay Lord noon na tanggalin nalang niya kung hindi din naman niya will and if it will just ruin our friendship, pero si Lord may plano. 

Finally graduate na kami, i took the boards and passed it and then graduation na niya, I was invited. As cliche as it may sound, I am the kind of girl na nagppray for signs, and the first sign happened nung graduation day niya. I was shocked , but then again, wala naman na nangyari after that. We have our priorities firsts na kailangan  muna namin gawin and being in a relationship is not one of them that time. I remember we had our awkward talks again, about It is not yet time, we should enjoy first our singleness and do our responsibilities first. This was the time na I was sitting in a bus and crying, I even ask my bestfriend ela if she could give me a hug. Masasabi ko na this was the time na naiintindihan ko naman pero naiyak pa rin ako, nasaktan, ito yung time na I really tried to distance myself, I did not communicate, umiwas ako, I really prayed hard kay Lord to help me na tanggalin yung feelings ko, I started saying to myself na baka hindi talaga kami possible. I programmed myself na hindi talaga kami pwede, baka we were just meant to be friends, but I still prayed then na Lord if it is your will, then may mangyayari something before December 2018 ends, and if wala maybe Lord I really need to forget what i feel. During those times, I hold on to a Pastor's saying "Kung hindi pa kayo handa, kalimutan niyo muna yung isa't isa"  and natuto akong maging independent, natuto akong ihandle ang emotions ko, masasabi ko na mas nagmature ako, And when i learn how to enjoy being single, hindi ko na naisip yung pains, frustrations about relationships.

 Then before December 2018,  the Lord answered my prayer, my plano talaga siya na hindi ko magets noon, My bestfriend started courting me and another sign happened. I can't believe it at first, akala ko napressure lang siya, baka nagkakamali or whatever, I was really hesitant nung una, di ko alam ano mararamdaman ko. I even talked to my parents, our spiritual leaders and then eventually naniwala na rin ako. It feels surreal, hindi ko talaga naisip na pwedeng mangyari samin yun, Then we started going out together, minsan with friends, hindi kami nagligawan sa text literally, we were still the magkaibigan na hindi parating magkatext, because were like that. Then came February 17, 2019, in our Heart's day party in church, He got a surprise, a confession in front of our church mates, I am not a fan of crowds but I was very thankful that time, I felt so special. Then few months after a friend of ours and a cousin of mine had a dream about us. The dreams were different, so I consulted our head pastor, I told him about the dreams and also my dreams when I was still in college, And He told us to wait, don't rush. and I was like,"Lord eto na po pero hindi pa din?". It was hard kasi di namin alam saan lulugar, ano kailangan namin iact, and after few months nung natuto na kaming ienjoy kung ano ang meron kami, ienjoy yung courtship stage, people started asking us "Ano na?", "Di pa ba kayo" and we would just smile at them. Then came my birthday, I got a birthday surprised again, and the last sign that I asked from God happened. While we were waiting, maybe you'll ask me kung di ba ako nainip? hmmm, maybe yes at some point naiisip ko na bakit kaya hindi pa pwede? or bakit hindi pa kami? pero I have that peace and assurance na galing kay Lord. Pinanghawakan ko yung Isaiah 60:22 "In the right time, I, the Lord will make it happen"

And Yes, it's true that when the time is right the Lord will make it happen.  Last February 22, 2020, it's official. My bestfriend for 15 years became my boyfriend officially. Our church has an event and yeah I was surprised again for the nth time. It was a heart-pounding moment for me, unforgettable, priceless. That moment I was just so thankful to God, I feel so blessed.

And yes, I am officially in a relationship. Tomorrow will be our second month. It has been 8 weeks, 58days,1401 hours, 84 060 minutes, 5 043 600  seconds, since I said "Yes" to be his girlfriend and I have no regrets. I pray that God will continually be at the center of our relationship, and be our guide always. I also pray that we will continually be a blessing to all the people around us. May God be always glorified in our relationship, and may we always be a good example to the next generation. 

I will end this with a simple advice,

ECCLESIASTES 3:11

    He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.

Learn to wait. Trust God. Trust that He will never forget His promises to you. He has prepared someone who is best for you. Never settle for anything that is less than God's best. For the meantime, while you are waiting, Let God mold you, make you the right person for your right one. 

Entry #22

I never thought, it is possible to miss someone this much, it makes me cry.


😭

Ps. I pray that this situation gets better and end soon. 😇

Entry #21 thoughts

Worst feeling for me,

It is when you feel like a burden sa ibang tao. Pinakaayaw ko ang pakiramdam na nahihirapan at nasasaktan yung ibang tao dahil sakin .  Mas gusto ko na ako nalang. Hindi dahil mabait ako, not because martyr ako. Maybe it's because mas matatanggap ko na mahirapan at masaktan kaysa makapanakit or maging dahilan ng paghihirap ng iba.

Entry #20

It's ok.

It will be ok.

Just Cry.

You will be fine.

You will be ok.

All is well.

Entry #19

Learn to Let go and Let God
Trust Him.


You survived the last time. You will surely survive this time. God will not fail you 👊

It maybe painful but trust the process, kasama yan. 👊👊