Hi blog, it's been a while.
It's 2021 already. Ang daming ganap. Never thought na susulat pa nga ako dito, pero siguro nga old habits die hard. Sometimes, when it's hard to explain yourself to people, you just find a platform where you can freely express what you wanted to say.
I realized na, minsan gusto mo naman ishare yung nararamdaman mo sa ibang tao, kung gaano ka na napapagod, gaano ka nahihirapan, pero not everyone will understand your situation. Not everyone will understand you. Hindi lahat maiintindihan kung bakit ganun ang nararamdaman mo, na kahit anong paliwanag mo, minsan mapapagod ka nalang kakaexplain pero akala lang nila maarte ka lang.
Minsan i want to remove myself from the lives of the people around me. Siguro mas madali ang life nila if i don't exist. How toxic it is for them to deal with my kadramahan, nawawala sa mood, too much madamdamin, overthinker, too good to people. Minsan gusto mo nalang itanong, if it will be more convenient for them if they don't have to deal with you and your problems.
I get it, a lot of people would want to help you, but not all of them will understand you and can help you.
It's a struggle to be a soft-hearted person, which a lot of people don't understand. Yung tipong apekatado ka sa simple things na nangyayari sa paligid mo. How simple situations can turn your emotions upside down. Sino ba may gusto ng ganun di ba? I don't. But I can't help feeling that way. Nakakapagod. How I always think of other people first, how i think of their welfare in expense of mine. How you always try not to be a burden sa ibang tao, so lahat sinasarili mo, you will always say na okay ka lang, na kaya mo.
People keep asking me kung kumusta ako, ano ba problema ko, I wanted to tell them. I wanted to tell them na sobrang nakakaoverwhelm yung mga responsibilities, it's true, getting what you prayed for is not the end of it, it's just the start. It will be the start of another level of responsibility, Yes, sobrang thankful ko, but adjusting from just thinking of how to sustain myself to thinking of sustaining something and other people is a lot harder than I've thought. Minsan gusto ko nalang tumigil, nakakafrustrate na ang dami kong gustong maabot pero still small steps. Nakakafrustrate na ang dami kong gustong tulungan pero I still need to build myself up. Minsan gusto ko nalang umiyak, tapos tanungin si Lord if kakayanin ko pa ba?
How insecurities cloud my mind. How I see other people being better than me, kung paano nakikita ko yung ibang tao na siguro they can play my role better than I do, siguro pag ang taong to ang sa position ko mas kaya niya. How I see them growing, while I still feel stuck. How weak I see myself than others.
Overthinking, overthinking about things and problems that don't even exist in the first place. My mind keep giving me negative situations that I can't help but worry about. Na kahit anong pilit kong kumbinsihin ang sarili ko na siguro di naman mangyayari yung mga iniisip ko, it still affects my mood. Nandun pa rin yung takot that people will leave me, na magsasawa yung mga tao sa ugali ko, na baka di ako makapag give back sa magulang ko, di ko matulungan yung iba, di ko matupad yung deal ko with God. How afraid I am to be myself, kasi baka iwanan ako ng mga tao sa paligid ko. Yes, they don't exist. But sometimes you really can't assure yourself. Kaya even if gaano ko ijustify sa isip ko, it will just be there.
I really got a lot of things right now in my mind. And i can't even say them all out loud. Kulang pa yung mga salita to express how I feel. Pero yes, ngiti lang. Magiging okay din ang lahat.
All is well.
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