Entry #43

 Being an Independent Woman has its pros and cons. Pag independent ka, you can do things even if di ka tulungan ng iba, you find ways to solve your own problems, you tend to offer help, instead of asking for help. Being a capable woman, makes you reluctant of any help offered to you, you try to do it on your own, and often rejects help. 

Masarap naman maging independent, because you don't need anyone to do things, you can do it on your own, and you can decide on your own without waiting for someone. Pero nakakalungkot din pala, kasi dahil alam ng iba na kaya mo naman, they don't check on you, people worry less about you, kasi alam naman nila na kaya mo. 

Based on my experience, nakakalungkot din pala na walang nagaalala if nakauwi ka na ba, or if kaya mo bang umuwi, kasi alam naman nila na kaya mo. Minsan ang sarap din sa feeling na magpanggap na di mo kaya just to feel the concern from others. Nakakalungkot na no one checks if kaya mo bang gawin ang isang bagay, because they always assume na kaya mo naman. Ang sarap din siguro sa pakiramdam ng may nagaalala, na someone checks on you too. Someone is worried about you. Ang sarap din siguro sa pakiramdam ang maalagaan. Nakakapagod din naman alagaan yung sarili, its tiring to fight your own battles. I hope someday, someone will come and fights with me and for me, yung pwede ako maging mahina because someone will be there. 

Simple things, but triggers my anxiety. It reminds me na at the end of the day, i still have to care for myself, because no one will. 

Entry #42

 Be kind sa sarili mo because at the end of the day all you have is yourself.  No matter how many people you have in your life, when you're in chaos, people will not really be there to accept that side of you. You still have to rely on you and that's okay. 

Entry#35

 Today, i feel like i am breaking down. I can pretend na masaya, for a short while so i don't need to explain to anyone. As i take my rest now, i feel like crying, gusto ko lang umiyak, it feels like my heart is so heavy. My mind is full and I am just so tired of everything. Pagod nako magtrabaho, I am tired waking up for other peoples need. I just want yo rest. 

I was watching tv to atleast keep myself busy, pero after watching, my happiness is just short lived. Ganun pa din. 

I can't even understand myself. And i can't explain as well. 

Just tired and unmotivated. Feeling ko di ako umuusad, walang nangyayari. Hanggang saan ko kaya kakayanin? 

Entry#34

 Physical pain is not enough to mask the emotional pain i am feeling. Minsan masarap din sa pakiramdam, may nagaalala, may nagungumusta. Maybe I am a little bit sensitive, because I am sick today. I just hope someone can also check on me, put efforts to ask if kumusta na ba ako, buhay pa ba ako. Maybe they know kaya ko naman, di naman ako mamatay, i am very independent, pero sana out of pagmamahal at care, maalala man lang sana nila akong tanungin, kumustahin kasi baka bukas hindi na pala ako gumising and they will never have the chance to ask me. 

Entry#33

 Lord, nahihirapan po ako. Pero Lord, isa lang po dasal ko, mahal ko po ang taong ito at turuan mo po akong mahalin siya ng tama. Fill me up Lord, so i can give more. And Lord, wag mo po hayaang mapagod at sumuko ang taong ito🙏🙏

Entry#32

 Mark this day, My heart is breaking💔

Entry #31 (2021)

 Hi blog, it's been a while. 

It's 2021 already. Ang daming ganap. Never thought na susulat pa nga ako dito, pero siguro nga old habits die hard. Sometimes, when it's hard to explain yourself to people, you just find a platform where you can freely express what you wanted to say. 

I realized na, minsan gusto mo naman ishare yung nararamdaman mo sa ibang tao, kung gaano ka na napapagod, gaano ka nahihirapan, pero not everyone will understand your situation. Not everyone will understand you. Hindi lahat maiintindihan kung bakit ganun ang nararamdaman mo, na kahit anong paliwanag mo, minsan mapapagod ka nalang kakaexplain pero akala lang nila maarte ka lang. 

Minsan i want to remove myself from the lives of the people around me. Siguro mas madali ang life nila if i don't exist. How toxic it is for them to deal with my kadramahan, nawawala sa mood, too much madamdamin, overthinker, too good to people. Minsan gusto mo nalang itanong, if it will be more convenient for them if they don't have to deal with you and your problems. 

I get it, a lot of people would want to help you, but not all of them will understand you and can help you.

 It's a struggle to be a soft-hearted person, which a lot of people don't understand. Yung tipong apekatado ka sa simple things na nangyayari sa paligid mo. How simple situations can turn your emotions upside down. Sino ba may gusto ng ganun di ba? I don't. But I can't help feeling that way. Nakakapagod. How I always think of other people first, how i think of their welfare in expense of mine. How you always try not to be a burden sa ibang tao, so lahat sinasarili mo, you will always say na okay ka lang, na kaya mo. 

 People keep asking me kung kumusta ako, ano ba problema ko, I wanted to tell them. I wanted to tell them na sobrang nakakaoverwhelm yung mga responsibilities, it's true, getting what you prayed for is not the end of it, it's just the start. It will be the start of another level of responsibility, Yes, sobrang thankful ko, but adjusting from just thinking of how to sustain myself to thinking of sustaining something and other people is a lot harder than I've thought. Minsan gusto ko nalang tumigil, nakakafrustrate na ang dami kong gustong maabot pero still small steps. Nakakafrustrate na ang dami kong gustong tulungan pero I still need to build myself up. Minsan gusto ko nalang umiyak, tapos tanungin si Lord if kakayanin ko pa ba? 

 How insecurities cloud my mind. How I see other people being better than me, kung paano nakikita ko yung ibang tao na siguro they can play my role better than I do, siguro pag ang taong to ang sa position ko  mas kaya niya. How I see them growing, while I still feel stuck. How weak I see myself than others.

Overthinking, overthinking about things and problems that don't even exist in the first place. My mind keep giving me negative situations that I can't help but worry about. Na kahit anong pilit kong kumbinsihin ang sarili ko na siguro di naman mangyayari yung mga iniisip ko, it still affects my mood. Nandun pa rin yung takot that people will leave me, na magsasawa yung mga tao sa ugali ko, na baka di ako makapag give back sa magulang ko, di ko matulungan yung iba, di ko matupad yung deal ko with God. How afraid I am to be myself, kasi baka iwanan ako ng mga tao sa paligid ko. Yes, they don't exist. But sometimes you really can't assure yourself. Kaya even if gaano ko ijustify sa isip ko, it will just be there. 

I really got a lot of things right now in my mind. And i can't even say them all out loud. Kulang pa yung mga salita to express how I feel. Pero yes, ngiti lang. Magiging okay din ang lahat. 

All is well.