Entry #42

 Be kind sa sarili mo because at the end of the day all you have is yourself.  No matter how many people you have in your life, when you're in chaos, people will not really be there to accept that side of you. You still have to rely on you and that's okay. 

Entry#35

 Today, i feel like i am breaking down. I can pretend na masaya, for a short while so i don't need to explain to anyone. As i take my rest now, i feel like crying, gusto ko lang umiyak, it feels like my heart is so heavy. My mind is full and I am just so tired of everything. Pagod nako magtrabaho, I am tired waking up for other peoples need. I just want yo rest. 

I was watching tv to atleast keep myself busy, pero after watching, my happiness is just short lived. Ganun pa din. 

I can't even understand myself. And i can't explain as well. 

Just tired and unmotivated. Feeling ko di ako umuusad, walang nangyayari. Hanggang saan ko kaya kakayanin? 

Entry#34

 Physical pain is not enough to mask the emotional pain i am feeling. Minsan masarap din sa pakiramdam, may nagaalala, may nagungumusta. Maybe I am a little bit sensitive, because I am sick today. I just hope someone can also check on me, put efforts to ask if kumusta na ba ako, buhay pa ba ako. Maybe they know kaya ko naman, di naman ako mamatay, i am very independent, pero sana out of pagmamahal at care, maalala man lang sana nila akong tanungin, kumustahin kasi baka bukas hindi na pala ako gumising and they will never have the chance to ask me. 

Entry#33

 Lord, nahihirapan po ako. Pero Lord, isa lang po dasal ko, mahal ko po ang taong ito at turuan mo po akong mahalin siya ng tama. Fill me up Lord, so i can give more. And Lord, wag mo po hayaang mapagod at sumuko ang taong ito🙏🙏

Entry#32

 Mark this day, My heart is breaking💔

Entry #31 (2021)

 Hi blog, it's been a while. 

It's 2021 already. Ang daming ganap. Never thought na susulat pa nga ako dito, pero siguro nga old habits die hard. Sometimes, when it's hard to explain yourself to people, you just find a platform where you can freely express what you wanted to say. 

I realized na, minsan gusto mo naman ishare yung nararamdaman mo sa ibang tao, kung gaano ka na napapagod, gaano ka nahihirapan, pero not everyone will understand your situation. Not everyone will understand you. Hindi lahat maiintindihan kung bakit ganun ang nararamdaman mo, na kahit anong paliwanag mo, minsan mapapagod ka nalang kakaexplain pero akala lang nila maarte ka lang. 

Minsan i want to remove myself from the lives of the people around me. Siguro mas madali ang life nila if i don't exist. How toxic it is for them to deal with my kadramahan, nawawala sa mood, too much madamdamin, overthinker, too good to people. Minsan gusto mo nalang itanong, if it will be more convenient for them if they don't have to deal with you and your problems. 

I get it, a lot of people would want to help you, but not all of them will understand you and can help you.

 It's a struggle to be a soft-hearted person, which a lot of people don't understand. Yung tipong apekatado ka sa simple things na nangyayari sa paligid mo. How simple situations can turn your emotions upside down. Sino ba may gusto ng ganun di ba? I don't. But I can't help feeling that way. Nakakapagod. How I always think of other people first, how i think of their welfare in expense of mine. How you always try not to be a burden sa ibang tao, so lahat sinasarili mo, you will always say na okay ka lang, na kaya mo. 

 People keep asking me kung kumusta ako, ano ba problema ko, I wanted to tell them. I wanted to tell them na sobrang nakakaoverwhelm yung mga responsibilities, it's true, getting what you prayed for is not the end of it, it's just the start. It will be the start of another level of responsibility, Yes, sobrang thankful ko, but adjusting from just thinking of how to sustain myself to thinking of sustaining something and other people is a lot harder than I've thought. Minsan gusto ko nalang tumigil, nakakafrustrate na ang dami kong gustong maabot pero still small steps. Nakakafrustrate na ang dami kong gustong tulungan pero I still need to build myself up. Minsan gusto ko nalang umiyak, tapos tanungin si Lord if kakayanin ko pa ba? 

 How insecurities cloud my mind. How I see other people being better than me, kung paano nakikita ko yung ibang tao na siguro they can play my role better than I do, siguro pag ang taong to ang sa position ko  mas kaya niya. How I see them growing, while I still feel stuck. How weak I see myself than others.

Overthinking, overthinking about things and problems that don't even exist in the first place. My mind keep giving me negative situations that I can't help but worry about. Na kahit anong pilit kong kumbinsihin ang sarili ko na siguro di naman mangyayari yung mga iniisip ko, it still affects my mood. Nandun pa rin yung takot that people will leave me, na magsasawa yung mga tao sa ugali ko, na baka di ako makapag give back sa magulang ko, di ko matulungan yung iba, di ko matupad yung deal ko with God. How afraid I am to be myself, kasi baka iwanan ako ng mga tao sa paligid ko. Yes, they don't exist. But sometimes you really can't assure yourself. Kaya even if gaano ko ijustify sa isip ko, it will just be there. 

I really got a lot of things right now in my mind. And i can't even say them all out loud. Kulang pa yung mga salita to express how I feel. Pero yes, ngiti lang. Magiging okay din ang lahat. 

All is well. 

Entry# 30 Hey 2020, Adios!

It's been 7 years with this blog. And my 30th entry is a farewell to this year, 2020. 

I can summarize my 2020 in one word, 

Life-Changing. 

This year, I've experienced love, setback after another setback, genuine happiness, contentment and more.  

This year, was a memorable year for me, I get to experience how it is to be in a relationship, how to live relying solely on God, no work for 10 months, being inside our home with my family, 24/7 for 3 months. 

 Year 2020, has been a tough year. It was like I was just starting to get the hang of the "adult life" that they were talking about and then suddenly, it was put to a pause. A long pause. This has been the longest year for me. I felt so low, depressed, i felt anxious. I felt like life was trying to pull me backwards. I can't understand the reason why everything has to happen, but what I am sure of is that, I should always trust the One who holds my life together, that even for me it felt like my life was falling apart, the truth is He is re-arranging it. 

I want to thank this year 2020, because of the pandemic, quarantine, and lockdowns I've learn to value even the smallest things around me. I get to enjoy even the shortest joyrides with my love ones. I get to be content with eating inside cars, with drive thru food or house cooked foods. I get to laugh over simple jokes. I realized that malls, amusement parks, leisure activities are not an essential to enjoy our daily lives, additional maybe, but not a must. 

Above all, I want to thank God. Thank You Lord, I may not understand why we are experiencing this, what's your plan, but I trust in You Lord. I know that you hold my life together. You know what's best for me, and I have faith that whatever may come my way, You got me, always, In all ways. Thank You Lord, I am forever blessed indeed. 🙏🙏

This year has been tough, but it made me strong, it made me appreciate all my love ones, friends and all the people who were there to support me for the past months. I may not be financially overwhelmed, but I am filled with love and  blessings and that's more than enough.😇💯 

I believe and I have faith that this coming 2021, the Lord will launch us into another level. The Lord will restore everything that was lost, He will bless us in all areas of our lives more than we could ever imagine. 💯🙏 

Finish this year strong! And Bravely face the coming year, 2021 😇🙏❤

Keep Going, Keep Believing, You'll make it!!💯😇