Entry #45

 My mind is full of thoughts, unsaid words and unexpressed feelings. I hope i will not get used to being like this, being quiet and alone. An artist once said, don't get used to the space. Kasi pag nasanay ka, it will be just a normal thing. 

Entry #44

Grabe naman Lord, ilang araw palang pero umiiyak nanaman ako. Ilang beses ko ulit sinabihan yung sarili ko na okay lang, pero di effective, kasi di pala talaga okay. Sana maging masaya naman ako sa susunod, yung di kayang kunin ng iba. 

Entry #43

 Being an Independent Woman has its pros and cons. Pag independent ka, you can do things even if di ka tulungan ng iba, you find ways to solve your own problems, you tend to offer help, instead of asking for help. Being a capable woman, makes you reluctant of any help offered to you, you try to do it on your own, and often rejects help. 

Masarap naman maging independent, because you don't need anyone to do things, you can do it on your own, and you can decide on your own without waiting for someone. Pero nakakalungkot din pala, kasi dahil alam ng iba na kaya mo naman, they don't check on you, people worry less about you, kasi alam naman nila na kaya mo. 

Based on my experience, nakakalungkot din pala na walang nagaalala if nakauwi ka na ba, or if kaya mo bang umuwi, kasi alam naman nila na kaya mo. Minsan ang sarap din sa feeling na magpanggap na di mo kaya just to feel the concern from others. Nakakalungkot na no one checks if kaya mo bang gawin ang isang bagay, because they always assume na kaya mo naman. Ang sarap din siguro sa pakiramdam ng may nagaalala, na someone checks on you too. Someone is worried about you. Ang sarap din siguro sa pakiramdam ang maalagaan. Nakakapagod din naman alagaan yung sarili, its tiring to fight your own battles. I hope someday, someone will come and fights with me and for me, yung pwede ako maging mahina because someone will be there. 

Simple things, but triggers my anxiety. It reminds me na at the end of the day, i still have to care for myself, because no one will. 

Entry #42

 Be kind sa sarili mo because at the end of the day all you have is yourself.  No matter how many people you have in your life, when you're in chaos, people will not really be there to accept that side of you. You still have to rely on you and that's okay. 

Entry#35

 Today, i feel like i am breaking down. I can pretend na masaya, for a short while so i don't need to explain to anyone. As i take my rest now, i feel like crying, gusto ko lang umiyak, it feels like my heart is so heavy. My mind is full and I am just so tired of everything. Pagod nako magtrabaho, I am tired waking up for other peoples need. I just want yo rest. 

I was watching tv to atleast keep myself busy, pero after watching, my happiness is just short lived. Ganun pa din. 

I can't even understand myself. And i can't explain as well. 

Just tired and unmotivated. Feeling ko di ako umuusad, walang nangyayari. Hanggang saan ko kaya kakayanin? 

Entry#34

 Physical pain is not enough to mask the emotional pain i am feeling. Minsan masarap din sa pakiramdam, may nagaalala, may nagungumusta. Maybe I am a little bit sensitive, because I am sick today. I just hope someone can also check on me, put efforts to ask if kumusta na ba ako, buhay pa ba ako. Maybe they know kaya ko naman, di naman ako mamatay, i am very independent, pero sana out of pagmamahal at care, maalala man lang sana nila akong tanungin, kumustahin kasi baka bukas hindi na pala ako gumising and they will never have the chance to ask me. 

Entry#33

 Lord, nahihirapan po ako. Pero Lord, isa lang po dasal ko, mahal ko po ang taong ito at turuan mo po akong mahalin siya ng tama. Fill me up Lord, so i can give more. And Lord, wag mo po hayaang mapagod at sumuko ang taong ito🙏🙏